The past few days have been horrible!!! My joints have been soooo bad. I am so desperate to come off the steroids but with the weather is making the joints worse. I have the worst headaches too and I am sure my body is craving some form of exercise. Yesterday nothing helped as it was that time of the month. I was feeling very irritable too. My thoughts are very negative when I am in pain. I just lie there feeling very sorry for myself and blame everything I can for getting ill, including myself. How can I be lying in bed with nothing to do all day long. My confidence has all but gone. If you would have told me 5 years ago I would be housebound I would have laughed. I used to feel so sorry for my elderly nan as she was housebound towards the end of her life and here I am doing the same. I am very sociable by nature and I spend all day alone. This is like a living hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's so frustrating being ill and chronically ill not knowing the cause or cure. It leaves you in limbo wondering what on earth could have caused this illness.
Yesterday I went to the GP and ask for help. My financial situation is so complicated as I bought a large house before I got ill and now struggle to keep it. I have managed to but have jumped through many hoops and loopholes to eventually get the support I needed. I am in a catch 22 financially because every way I there is a dead end. I have been to the CAB, phoned every debt line going. the rules states you can't earn over such and such if you are having financial help, you can't sell your house because it would be more debt, you can't rent out because thats against the rules, the bureacracy bollocks just goes on and on. The government do not take into account people that get ill during their twenties and they leave you in a poverty trap. I want to work a few hours but if I do other money will get taken away so you think what's the point. The government needs to wake up and take into account peoples individual circumstances and tailor help accordingly. All the financial pressures are putting a massive strain on my health. Sometimes I feel really bitter and angry that I don't have more support and other times I end up blaming myself. I have even gone to relatives to ask for help but nothing.
Life is so hard at the moment, I just wonder if things will ever get any easier.
I found out that I may be able to reduce my mortgage interest rate so asked the gp for a letter of confirmation. The answer was no because of this reason and that reason and it was my rheumatologist's job but I am afraid she won't help either and so far I haven't seen a great deal of her. She has to agree to send a letter saying in a years time I will be fit to return to work. Can't see it happening myself but I need this so badly to get back on my feet. A year of less mortgage to pay so I can sort out my finances. I am just scared of making the worng move. If I sell this house I am afraid I will never be able to get another house like this but it's crippling me financially. I am also not happy about going back to rent when I am nearly 32 and with not knowing if the house market prices with rise or fall, it's very hard to know what decision to make.
I could rent the whole house out but I will lose money from the government as even though they rental would cover the mortgage only, in their eyes it's still considered as income. I feel very desperate at times, I don't want to be in this house because of all the problems here but I am scared to leave. I am definitely stuck in a rut. The house is too big to maintain and the stairs are a nightmare too, I could do with living in a flat. I wonder what happened to all the friends I have/had, why does no-one call anymore? Was it my fault, did they get sick of me and my problems or are they just preoccupied with their own lives cause I could sure do with some more moral support right now.
My head is a big fuzz and my emotions are all over the place. I need to go to bed and get some sleep. I had to take an extra painkiller last night.
My last hope is my appointment at the Margaret Hills clinic in Kenilworth on Tuesday. I am hoping and praying that I have the strength to stick to that diet, it's my last chance to have a life again.
I have been back and forth to the doctors asking medication for the depression but haven't got any and I don't want to take them but my moods are so up and down and the moment. My thoughts are quite dark and sad too. Then othertimes I am fine. But they didn't give me any medication so I guess it's not mean to be now and I will just have to fight it out.
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